12 October 1984

Making Amends

Had the first service group meeting of 'Sobriety & Beyond' - I am Secretary - followed that up with my first (?) NA meeting. When I got home - I find the voice is always there - it will still be there tomorrow - It never leaves me...I hear today and regardless choose the other path - that's OK - I'm not yet ready - -

BUT,

I should be prepared for the consequences - If I know I'm not following the path, why do I get upset when something bad happens - why should I be angry to get lung cancer if I smoke?

THE ACT OF NOT DRINKING IS JUST HAVING PATIENCE ENOUGH TO WAIT FOR THE "DESIRE" TO LEAVE!!!!!

I used to worry when I first stopped drinking - I worried that I didn't "want to" bad enough yet.

God gave me power of free choice - I could have chosen all along - but I gave the power to:

BOOZE, CIGARETTES, PAWN SHOP, DISHONESTY, VISA, NATIONAL BANK OF ALASKA, RELATIONSHIPS, US ARMY, LAWYER, ETC.....

If I continue to choose to be powerless over the things above I can never hope to regain effective control of my life. I of course must always remember that my aim is to have FREE CHOICE, as God originally created me. I give up that power to any of 'those people/things' - I DON'T NEED TO!!! I heard Mike at the NA meeting last night say, "I've never heard of someone having a bad experience because he gave up booze - gave up drugs - etc".

SO TRUE - regaining Control of Myself -

Not a bad experience when I paid off the Credit Union, ..... Rent each month,.... phone bill....

I retain control of my life in regard to Anchorage Telephone Utility - I am free to start/quit whenever I choose - I AM NOT IN DEBT to them.

When I pay off a debt, of any kind - whether $$$ or moral - whatever -- AM I NOT REGAINING CONTROL WHERE I HAD SURRENDERED IT?

When I borrow money - am I not giving up control of my future earnings? When I become indebted to anyone - I am surrendering control of my life (or certain aspects of it) to them! I KNOW when I am indebted - God tells me through the voice - the I.R.S. even tells me....but, I always KNOW. I feel it.

Sometimes others do things for me because they choose -- and choose to give freely -- I can tell when it is a FREE gift or when it is a DEBT that needs to be repaid. I should strive to incur no debts, then I could exercise power of FREE CHOICE in all my affairs!!

I will agree on the terms of repayment of all debts - $ and otherwise - in step 8,

I'll repay those debts in 9,

and continue to consciously acknowledge these debts in step 10.

I NOW understand the way of AA for me. For me it is regaining control of my life, reliance on my Higher Power's guidance in all my affairs, and the sure knowledge that I am a human being striving for progress.

A good relationship is not built on DEBTS....