Safety Information For Everyone! 



Exploring BDSM, Fantasy, Fetish and other sexual alternatives can be a rewarding experience. Expressing yourself openly with a caring partner in a loving relationship can secure a bond between lovers that is everlasting. A trusting relationship with your partner is paramount to your relationship. 

Establishing trust takes time and measures that earn the trust and respect of your lover. You learn to trust based on actions and consistency within the relationship. How this person conducts themselves helps you to establish trust that will eventually earn your respect. 

When you trust your lover you are trusting that he/she takes the time to consider your safety and well being. In a loving sexual relationship you want to trust that your lover is considering you're well being during sexual activity of any kind. 

Two sane consenting partners agree to engage in a safe sexual act you are playing safely, sanely and consensually. 

What exactly does this mean? How do you know you're playing with a safe partner? How do you know if your partner is sane? At what point does it stop being consensual? This is workshop is about just that. Knowing what safe play is, determining if the relationship is sane or healthy enough to explore alternatives safely and if it is truly consensual. This workshop is not really about safe sex, although we will touch lightly on safe sexual practices and the proper use of implements. 

Safe: Free from hurt, injury, danger or risk.

Both of you take the responsible to engage in safe activity using precautions to avoid risk, danger or injury. Using implements properly. Free from diseases or bodily harm. Exercising safety during your play and assuring that no one gets hurt. Safe sex practices include the exchange of body fluids. Using condoms, latex gloves and proper cleaning of instruments, implements and after care. There are various diseases that can be contracted during sexual play. Using gloves and condoms could prevent most of these, however you can’t put a body bag on each other for intimate play. This workshop is not designed to cover each one of these. Ask a medical professional for advice about safe sex. 

Diseases that can be contracted during sexual play are: Hepatitis Herpes Chlamydia Syphilis Gonorrhea HIV

This is not all of them. I am certain there are more, however, these are the most dangerous. Contact the public health department or a professional in the medical field to receive answers on how these diseases are contracted. Our advice in play is this: Avoid contact of skin that appears to be blistered or has open sores. Wear latex condoms during any sexual activity that involves entry. Replace the condom the second time. Do not reuse the condom. Do not use baby oil or petroleum based products on condoms. They will tear or dissolve. Avoid contact with blood during play. NEVER insert something into the anus and then into the vagina! 

Using proper lubricants during play is important. This will help you avoid abrasions that can cause open sores. Bacteria and germs can enter into the body and even the blood stream. Make sure the lubricant is water solvable. Mineral oil based products such as baby oil or lotions will not dissolve with water right away. Baby oil left in the vagina can cause serious infections. 

Do not use anything but water solvable lubricants on toys or anything that enters or comes in contact with the genitals or anus. 

Proper hygiene is important. Washing your hands, cleaning and grooming your nails will add to your safety during play. If you're using your hands during play, fisting or inserting fingers, anywhere, you should wear latex gloves. These can be purchased in different sizes at a medical supply facility. You can even buy them sterile if you want, however if you only take out of the box what you need then you will be fine. Don’t reuse latex gloves or leave them lying around to collect bacteria. 

Safe play means that you are responsible enough to consider these things. Responsible enough to investigate before getting involved in something you're unsure of. Ask questions from people who know and never ever stop learning what you can.

Engaging in play

BDSM, Fantasy, fetish and role-play often require the use of implements or toys.These could include vibrators, dildos, blindfolds, rope, whips, handcuffs,feathers, clothes pins, nipple clamps and various other instruments used as props or tools for sensation. Remaining aware while using toys and instruments is important. Safety also means being aware, sober, straight and thoroughly conscious when playing, especially when using implements. 

Many companies make different types of bondage equipment and other fancy toys. We are going to cover the basics. Use your common sense along with these guidelines, if you're uncertain ask someone. If you're certain always proceed with caution. Communication is essential. Talk to one another about the sensations so that you can mutually find pleasure. It’s important that the top or Dominant feel comfortable about what they are doing.

Bondage

Bondage can be a wonderful thing if you're into it. It can be used during role play or during sexual play. Your consenting partner needs feel that they can trust you during this time.

We’ll discuss safe words during this section later on. The most common form of bondage is rope or scarves. Some like chains with locks or even saran wrap.Bondage achieves the feeling of helplessness. Being helpless and unable to keep something from happening to you can be sexy and liberating "IF" you are PLAYING. The feelings and sensations you want to achieve should be discussed ahead of time and safe words are used to end a scene that isn’t going the way you discussed. Bondage can evoke emotional distress at times and it’s important that you are sensitive to your partners emotional safety. Talking, caressing and showing love with affection is important even if the role play is an intense scene. You can capture someone and show physical force yet manage to squeeze in a pet, some teasing or ask, "Are you OK?". This doesn’t have to take away from the scene. Practice, communication and trust make it happen. 

Things to avoid in bondage: 

Never tie anything around the neck. Collars with buckles are one thing as long as breathing and swallowing is not difficult. 

Watch the circulation. If someone’s hand is becoming numb or blue it’s too tight. Both partners need to be aware of this.  Watch the skin and pinch if needed. The bottom should let the top know if there is danger to circulation. 

NEVER leave a bound person alone! Anything could happen. 

When using gags be certain the bottom can breathe from their nose clearly. 

When using locks and keys or handcuffs make sure you have used the key to unlock the device before you use it. Don’t leave locks or handcuffs open. This way you can insure that you have the key to open it. It doesn’t hurt to purchase locks that have the same key and then leave copies of the keys in different places in case you lose one. I sometimes wear my keys on a leather strand around my neck during play. This way if there needs to be a quick release I don’t have to look for the keys.

Inexperienced players should not be doing suspension. 

Do not cover the face and prohibit breathing. 

Experiment with bondage. Try different things when you're not in sexual play. Laugh and PLAY! Test different positions and types of bondage. Practicing in-between play will keep interruptions from happening during play. When your practicing, you can exchange ideas and try variations you’d like to use in play.

Tie up a leg and then wait to see how long it can stay in that position without discomfort. During play you may want to switch position often to keep the body from becoming stiff or sore. 

Whips

Whips can be sensual tools for creating erotic sensation. Every person has a different level of sensitivity. Some like more pressure while some need less. SM should be pleasurable experience. Whips are made many different ways with many different fabrics from soft deer skin floggers to rubber. Each carrying a different density and leaving behind a different sensation. Test your whip on your arm or leg. Know how it feels before whaling it onto your beloved. 

To avoid injury and to create erotic sensation you should prepare the skin for sensation. This is not much different then fore play.You start off slowly, waiting for your lover to relax and become more receptive to your touch. You can begin by touching the body with your hands softly and then increasing the pressure,much like a massage. Press you finger tips into the flesh, warming and teasing the body. Start slowly by dancing the whip across the flesh and then slowly build up the pressure. Watch for "the killer wrap." This is the wrapping around the sides or places you don’t want to hit. The end of the whip will have more of a sting. Be aware of this. Again, practice makes perfect!

Avoid hitting your lover in the lower back. There is danger to the lower back and kidneys. Although a very soft whip touching this area lightly will not cause injury it’s best to avoid danger areas. 

Other danger areas are: The face Inside of joints or bones. genitals (light whipping is OK)
 Stomach (light whipping is OK) 

It’s best to remain in the fatty areas. The upper back and buttocks can normally take the most amount of whipping and pressure and are the safest areas to flog. Practice with your whip. Learn to control the lashes and movement. Your whip is an extension of you, make it dance!

Nipple Clamps

This is much easier to show! Nipple clamps are made in many different ways. Some people use clothes pins, mouse traps and other object to place the nipples or areolas in bondage. This is the brown part around the nipple. You have hundreds of nerve endings in your nipples. Every person has a different level of sensitivity. Some respond to a light touch while others need tremendous pressure for sensation. Finding the right level takes time and communication. A person who rises through correct foreplay will endure much more. Begin slowly with light touches and teasing. Once your lover is hungry for more sensation you can proceed in levels. Pinching with your fingers first will let you know where they are at.

Test the nipple clamp on your finger or a piece of flesh other then the nipple. Now imagine that the sensation will increase at least three times through those nerve endings. Some are adjustable while other are controlled by a spring clamping them on. For beginners I recommend a set that has an adjustable slide. Place the clamp directly behind the nipple so that the nipple is pushed forward. 

Do not put the clamp right on the nipple!
 (unless your lover is truly masochistic) 

Know that the blood is rushing forward into the tip of the nipple. This is what increases the sensation.After a few moments the pain will begin to subside. Do not leave tight nipple clamps on for more than 15 min. (this time varies depending on the person and pressure level of the clamp) When you do remove the clamps they will hurt worse than when you put them on. This is due to the blood rushing back and the skin retracting to its original place. 

Unless you are looking for pain to be a directive for the play I recommend you apply them towards the end of the scene and take them off after orgasm 
(if you are attempting to achieve orgasm in your play). 

After removing nipple clamps I may push my finger into the nipple or rub it with pressure. My lover might think I’m doing it on purpose to hurt them, however, I’m really helping the blood circulation to return to normal. Otherwise it will take longer for the discomfort to disappear. 
(again this depends on the person. 
Some may enjoy the sensitivity afterwards.)

Spanking

Spanking is a wonderful art. Much like flogging you can master this to bring incredible sensation and dynamics to your play. There are many different ways to spank your lover. Over the lap or knee, strapped over in bondage or restraints, with a paddle, hair brush, bare hand, English cane or various other implements. If spanking is being used for erotic play you should discuss this with your lover on how they prefer being spanked. Some enjoy light pats while other enjoy extremes such as welts or even brushing. A good spanking leaves lasting results. Your lover will remain warm for hours after and probably get wet every time they inspect the marks left by you. Not everyone, however will appreciate these marks. 

Start off by teasing and light touch. Light smacks will warm the skin and prepare your lover for the spanking. The blood rises to the surface slowly on these fatty areas. Take your time. Never rush during any kind of play. Once the skin is warmed you can proceed in levels. Anticipation makes spanking hot. Stop and have them squirm for the next. You can also prepare the skin with light brushing from a hair brush or small nail brush. This is also good to use in-between. It
creates a new sensation and keeps the blood moving around. This will help the skin heal faster. Proper preparation and warming can prevent damaged blood vessels. Never break into cold flesh with any implement or blow. Try using rabbit fur or other soft objects in-between to create erotic sensations. The skin is much more sensitive when the blood rises.

There are many different variations to spanking. It can be used during sex or role play. Most prefer spanking during role play as a punishment for something they did wrong. As with whips each implement carries a different density.

Torture or pleasure?

You can torture someone with pleasure. Sensual teasing is the most powerful tool and very important to any eroticism. Feathers, light touching and verbal gestures will keep your lover riding on an erotic edge. Often it’s the idea of the things being done rather then the actual play. Fantasy is a powerful tool. Using the imagination is the key. Many people's fantasize about things being done but actually are not prepared for them to happen. Knowing your lover and communicating with your lover will help you understand what their needs are.
They should not be apprehensive to tell you about an extreme fantasy they want to play with yet may not ever be ready to try. Talk to your lover about what you plan on doing or what you might do. Have the objects in view even if you don’t intend on really using them.

If trust is established you can tease your lover with threats to do things they fantasies about yet are not ready to do. Don’t ever violate them by pushing them further than they want to go. Do this once and they will never trust you again. 

Blindfolds 

Blindfolds are sensual and wonderful tools. Leaving the element of surprise they can heighten sensation. Soft feathers and touching while your lover is blindfolded can increase erotic sensation. Use ready made blindfolds offered by adult stores or scarves. Contact wears might want to remove their contacts or use caution when tying things around the eyes. Avoid fabrics that itch or irritate
the skin. Silk and nylon are most commonly used.

Power Tools

If my house was burning I’d grab my vibrator first! (laughing) I think allot of persons feel this way. Men can also benefit from a vibrator. I prefer the ones that plug in and dim the lights! (laughing) They have battery operated or plug in types. If you're using a plug in vibrator I suggest you purchase an extension cord so you're not limited to the space you're playing in. Try to purchase one that coils like a phone cord. This will keep it from getting tangled. 

Use the vibrator just light on the nipples while they are in bondage or with nipple clamps. Use the vibrator to tease and during fore play. Ladies prefer the vibrator head to be placed just above the clitoris instead of directly on (or at least at first. Some enjoy direct stimulation. Some vibrators can be inserted. Use safety....place a condom on the vibrator that is inserted to avoid bacteria and infections. Use lubrication even if the vagina is wet. Never insert the vibrator into the vagina after it’s been inserted into the anus. Clean and change the condom first or use a different toy.

You can make some men have an orgasm if you place the vibrator on the gathering of nerves at the top underside of the penis, the triangle just below the head. Hold the vibrator o this area. Do not place the vibrator directly on the balls.

For most this is annoying. If that is your intention, go for it!

Vibrators and dildos are personal objects of play. Don’t lend then or leave them lying around. Keep them clean and free from dust and dirt. Use a solution to clean your vibrator, dildos or toys that are not leather. 

The easiest is a solution of bleach and water. 1/3 of a cup of bleach in a gallon of water should do the trick. Don’t put electrical or battery operated toys in the solution! Dildos can soak for a short time. Colored plastics or latex might lose some color if soaked too long. If you're not soaking wipe thoroughly with the solution. Rinse the solution off with clean water, dry thoroughly and put away. 

You can use zip lock bags to store toys as long as they are completely dry.
Some medical supply houses offer solutions that kill just about everything. Make sure you wear gloves to avoid irritation.There are other electrical toys. Ultra violet wands that can be purchased and used without risk. 

Be careful not to break the blown glass that carries the glow. Read instructions carefully when using these toys! If you're using any type of electricity never use above the waist! You can cause serious heart damage. Purchase toys from people who manufacture these electrical toys and devices. Follow the instructions the manufacture provides.

Resource for electric wands and toys:

Sandmutopia Supply Company PO Box 410390, San Francisco, CA 94141 (415)
252-1195.

Safe Words

Safe words are words used during play to warn your partner of an uncomfortable or dangerous situation. Together you can choose a safe word that will delay or end the play. During your negotiation you can select a safe word or words to use as codes of danger. A word such as "Snow." It’s highly unlikely you’d use the word while playing. Pick a word that is easy to remember and would not normally be used during sexual and erotic play. Some lovers like to use several words such as, RED, YELLOW, GREEN. Just like a traffic light it codes your lover.
Yellow would mean to use cautions yet don’t stop. Red means stop and green means go. You may want to even adapt your own codes to have different levels or meanings.

There are some very experienced players who choose not to use safe words yet they may have some other form of communication. A loving relationship that has been given time can endure challenges if trust is established. 

Exceeding limits is not recommend for novice players unless you’ve thoroughly discussed the risk with your partner ahead of time. A safe word should ALWAYS be used as a back up. 

Safe words can also assure the top that everything is OK. They can proceed and move forward as long as the safe word isn’t used. This eliminates concerns the top might have while playing. As well as your lover may think they know you they can not read your mind. Find ways to communicate ALWAYS.

Sane:

Free from mental derangement; Having sound healthy mind. Having or showing reason, sound judgment or good sense.

Common sense is always used in any type of play. Consider your actions before doing them. Plan your play and access all the dangers and risk. A sane person is a responsible person. It makes sense not to play with people who are mentally handicapped or deranged. Ask questions. Before playing with someone get to know them. Observe them. How do they treat themselves? How do they treat others? These are important clues as to how they will treat you. Are they compassionate, patient, loving and sensible?

A perfectly healthy person can have emotional challenges during difficult times. BDSM and leather alternatives can only be explored with a healthy mind or in a healthy relationship. If your relationship is troubled fix the problems before exploring sexual alternatives. Although sex and intimacy can bring you closer together and create a bond it can not cure serious emotional problem or fix a bad relationship. 

If your lover is emotionally distressed or depressed comfort them with love and affection. Don’t lure them into play at this time. Don’t take advantage of their venerability and risk serious damage to them or the relationship.

Violation is only sexy when it’s pretend or play!

Consensual:

Formed or existing merely by consent. Voluntary action between two.

It takes two to tango and two consenting partners to engage in any sexual act or you are involved in rape. Rape may not always present a struggle. If a person is emotional distressed and you proceed knowing this, taking advantage of their venerability (someone under the influence of drugs or alcohol) then you are raping them. Not only is rape illegal but it’s the worst thing besides killing someone that you can do. 

Consent means giving permission. Intelligently discussing what type of play you will have and what your limits are. 

An example is, a child, a child is not mature enough to make decisions and therefore it is not consensual.
 (it is also illegal)
Animals can not consent to being used and therefore it is not consensual. These are mentioned to make a point. Not only are these things wrong, immoral and illegal the point remains the same. If your playmate is not able to make a
responsible decision then it is still not consensual even if they verbally agree to the act. This could fall under sanity, however perfectly healthy people have too much to drink or have vulnerable moments.

Consensual means that the other person you are playing with is aware of what is happening and has agreed to the play or action.

After Play

Exploring sexual alternatives can be frightening even if it is exciting. Many fear rejection from exposing their sex secrets or fear being hurt. Eliminating these fears takes time, trust and understanding. The compassion and understanding you show each other at all times will help you achieve new heights of sexual liberation. Erase the fears and concerns by your loving actions. Use safety and make intelligent decisions that concern both of you.

A reassuring hug or touch during any play is important. Even during a serious spank and loving stroke of the hand through the hair will assure your bottom that everything is OK. Telling your lover that you love them during play is also important.

When the play is over hold your lover in your arms and express the appreciation you have for them and how grateful you are for allowing these moments to be shared. Thank them for trusting you. This is a very special thing the two of you have shared. Let each other know how honored you are. Take a candle lit bath together and relax. Absorb the after glow of your play. Laugh and talk about the play. Talk about what you liked and didn’t like. 
Don’t be judgmental. Listen to each other. Many different emotions may surface and your support for one another is important at this time. 

Finally

Network with others. You may be in a monogamous relationship yet it’s nice to meet with others to exchange ideas and seek advice. This doesn’t mean that you should do or try everything you hear or read. Make judgments intelligently. You can play with other couples or friends to get ideas without engaging in intimate sexual acts. You can learn allot from each other. Join support groups in your area. This will provide a constant source of education and networking. Support groups also help support your views and extinguish loneliness or alienation.

Those without partners should continue to learn about SM & erotic practices so they can share when they do meet a partner. Support groups and networking with others will help you learn more and who knows, the woman or man of your dreams might be sitting across the room. Don’t close doors. Keep your heart and mind open. Everyone has something to give and share. Even you.

Read as many books as you can. Try new things and use you imagination. Don’t forget to investigate all the risk. You and your lover are the directors of your fantasy. Negotiate and be flexible for changes in the script.

When in doubt ask questions from several sources and then make a decision the two of you are happy with. Be excited that the two of you can share the many sexual wonders available to you. Know that this is an affirmation of the love you have for one another Keep it sacred.

Recommended books on safety:

"On The Safe Edge" 

Written by: Trevor Jacques

This book should be on everyone's list! You'll pick this book up a million times and use it as a safety and information guide. Highly recommended by Goddess
Dianna Vesta as a book you must order on scene safety

"Learning The Ropes" 

A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun SM Lovemaking 

Written by: Race Bannon

"Sensuous Magic "

Sensuous Magic : A Guide For Adventurous Lovers 

Written by: Pat Califia 

A look behind the mask of dominant/submissive sexuality. An excellent book about the mental & emotional aspects as well as safety

"Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns "

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual 

Sorcery of Sadomasochism 

Written by :Philip Miller & Molly Devon

A thorough guide to sadomasochism by two experienced players. This unabashed, entertaining book strips away myth, shame, and fear revealing the truth about an intense form of eroticism too long misunderstood and condemned.
It is fully indexed and includes over 225 photos and illustration, a 250-plus word glossary, appendices with over 650 contacts for SM related clubs, stores, craftspeople, computer BBS, and literature.